There’s a kind of darkness that creeps into the hole in
your heart left by a friend who has been called away too soon. With time you think
that you heal, that the pain fades and life becomes bearable again. You see the
beautiful things in every day, notice the sunshine that playfully caresses the
ground, scattered by the leaves of a tree. You promise to live up to the
inspiration that they left behind, to live an amazing life and experience
everything to the full, to give as much as you can… to try to become even a
fraction of the person they were.
With time the hole gets patched up, pieced together,
covered with anything that will numb the pain. You become preoccupied with less
and less important things to keep busy, to feel like you are doing something,
moving forward… moving on.
And then it hits you on some idle Tuesday rolling in like
lightning on the horizon, a storm building up. The filling you stuffed so
tightly into the hole oozes out, fills your chest… fills your throat and your
head and slowly leaks from your eyes as big salty streams, running down your cheeks,
collecting in a pool on the crisp, clean whiteness of your pillow case.
The thing is you can never replace a best friend. No one
will ever match up. No experience, no matter how great, will ever bring back
what you lost. The hurt will always be there, some days it’s just covered up better
than others. Some days it is easier to blissfully believe the lies that you
create for yourself, that you are whole and healed. That you have no scars.
That it has left you untouched. That you can cover the hurt with a layer of
paint, leaving your heart as flawless as it once was. Innocent… ignorant of
what it could mean to truly love someone… and then losing them.
In these days you can tell yourself that you fully give
of yourself, that you open up to people, that you connect and engage and build
meaningful relationships. When all you are doing is whispering from behind the layers
of stuff that you carefully wound around your heart to heal… to protect.
Perhaps this pain… these scars will never let me go…Perhaps
it is something I will never let go.
So I will be walking through life, this amazing, blessed
life that I had chosen for myself, with a heart covered in scars… swaddled in
anything and everything that will make the days happy… finding peace, and quiet
for my soul in the small moments of wonder that fill my days… and my nights.
And thanking, endlessly thanking Vincent’s beautiful soul for the moments we
spent together. For all he taught me. For the inspiration he gave me. For the strength
he lent me. For the love he gave me. For the life he helped me find.
Rest
forever in peace, Vincent Lemmer.
That is beautiful
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